Monday, April 24, 2006

Moving at the Speed of Life

I can't wait for our honeymoon. And not just to celebrate our status as newlyweds, to yap into the ears of anyone who'll listen that "we're on our honeymoon" in the hopes of free upgrades, but for a break from the rapidity of things, for a vacation from life and its sometimes alarming, nonstop forward pace. I'm eagerly awaiting the opportunity to s l o w. d o w n.

I was talking to Christy this morning about this - the oncoming freight train called Life - and how nice it would be to just...pause. It seems silly taking into consideration that I just wished away the last year of my life more vehemently than I wished for a pony when I was a little girl (which was pretty damn vehemently). But now that Matt's home, it's like everything's been a constant go go go, and I would love, just for a little while, for things to come to a screeching halt. Our schedules have been so relentless, I feel I haven't fully had the opportunity to get over missing Matt and having him absent from my life for so long.

Matt had been home barely two weeks before he started working again - he commutes about 45 minutes each way, leaving every morning before I do, getting home after I do, and having about a 14 hour day from the time he backs out of the garage to the time he pulls back in. During the week, I see him on average 2 hours a night while we unwind and eat dinner and watch the news and then it's off to bed so we can start the cycle over again. Undoubtedly, I'm grateful to have him home, but in some ways, it feels the only difference between now and when Matt was deployed is that now I don't have to sleep alone. I feel like I'm still missing him.

On the other hand, despite how little I see him, he is home and no longer in Afghanistan and it's selfish of me to complain about seeing Matt "only" 2 hours a night. I know what it's like to have to go 9 straight months without even so much as a recent photo and don't even want to imagine what it's like for those few who'll never see their loved ones again. I know my greediness with Matt will pass, but I'm going through a stage right now where I have this insatiable need to make up for all our "lost time," and need to come to terms with the reality that that's just not possible.

On Saturday night we went out to dinner to an Italian restaurant that neither of us had ever been to and afterward we were planning on going to see "Thank You For Smoking." We stopped in a piano lounge downtown - one of our regular haunts - and ended up having such a good time, we blew off the movie. I couldn't for the life of me tell you what we talked about, but we were laughing and having a good time, and at one point I remember thinking that if we had as much time together as I keep thinking we need, I wouldn't enjoy the time we do have together nearly as much. Because we're both so busy with work and friends and still trying to find time for each other, I never take for granted the time we do have together - I enjoy our weeknights lounging around in our pajamas watching Fox News or "House" as much as I enjoy the nights we get dressed up for a nice dinner and drinks at one of our favorite ritzy lounges and it seems terribly asinine that I should complain about the very thing that's given me the ability to cherish every single second we have together. Se la vie. Such is life. Such is human behavior. I believe I just had an epiphany :-)~

The weekend was extremely rainy and dreary. We were supposed to pour the concrete for our new walkway and patio on Saturday but were unable to due to a sudden downpour. All Friday night it rained, all Saturday afternoon it rained, and yesterday, I swear we had a monsoon. My brother flew in from Alaska which was really nice because I haven't seen him since his wedding in September 2004 (I told Matt the other night that it's funny to think since the last time I saw my brother, he had gone to war and come home). My brother stayed at our house last night (I was thrilled to finally be able to implement my beautifully decorated guest bedroom). I went to bed early feeling kind of sick (I think I ate some bad shellfish at dinner...yuck) and could hear my brother and Matt discussing the stock market late into the night.

I changed the comments on my page so you don't have to have a blogger account to comment, but if you have nothing nice to say, I'm not going to publish your comment, so don't even waste your time. This is my blog, so if you want to be an ass, please don't do it in my comments.


Blogger Karen said...

Ugh, it's been raining here too. Today was our third day stranded in the house. I feared for my life... Cameron was pretty pissed it was another day of just looking at his slide in the backyard.

I totally understand about how you feel like you're still missing Matt. Brian's working 14-16 hour days right now as well. The only time I see him during the week is an hour at night, and that's if I'm still awake when he gets home. Poor Cameron doesn't see him til Friday afternoon, his one early day. And by early, I mean 5pm. Ugh. Such is life though, it's better than Iraq.

I hope you see the sun soon, it's not predicted here until the end of the week. Uuugghhhh.

4/24/2006 6:56 PM

Anonymous Jennifer said...

If you want to try arbonne, I can order it for you at a 35% discount. Just let me know!

4/25/2006 10:19 AM

Blogger Nikki said...

Ditto on the pause thing! I can't believe it will soon be 5 months since Daniel came home when 5 months stretched out so long last year!!!

And if any of y'all want to send the rain to Texas, we could sure use it! I promise to send heat and humidity!!!

4/25/2006 11:00 AM

Blogger Karen said...

Ohhh, you should totally try Arbonne. I've been using it for about 3 months now and it's fantastic. It even cures the crazy pregnancy skin!

4/25/2006 2:11 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband is also in the national guard and got home in Jan. from a 14 month deployment to Iraq. I love reading your blog because I always finding myself saying "yep that's exactelly how I felt!!" You have a talent of being able to put feelings into words. I just can't believe how I can relate exactelly to all of your feelings.

4/25/2006 5:52 PM

Anonymous Laura said...

I thought I left you a comment the other day but I guess it didn't go through. That, or you didn't think it was acceptable and deleted it. Ok well now I don't feel like typing everything that I wrote yesterday so this is all you're getting from my comment.

4/25/2006 6:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My best wishes for you from Iceland. May you live happily forever after :-)) Im so happy for you!

4/25/2006 6:29 PM

Anonymous Liz said...

I know what you mean, but it's a bit different for me as I'm looking forward to a deployment instead of looking back on one. You remind me to enjoy each second I have with him now because soon, those seconds will be gone. Your posts have been a source of encouragement to me that this deployment is not going to be the end of my world!

4/26/2006 11:22 AM

Anonymous christy said...

I love you girl! It is quite a whirlwind in post-deployment life. That, or life just doesn't slow down like we fantasize it will. GREAT to have them home, but seriously ... some time on a deserted island might be nice!

Today Ryan got home from a LONG day at work, and I'd made a frozen pizza and some simple brownies, and did his laundry, and he gave me a hug like I'd performed miracles. I love my husband! The small things mean so much sometimes!

4/26/2006 9:27 PM


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