Thursday, May 04, 2006


There's always something not quite right. Nothing's ever perfect, so life (or my butt and my car in this case) always manages to surprise you with a left hook. The glass is either half empty or half full, but how come the damn thing is never just FULL? Where the heck is my waitress?!? I digress...

So things aren't really that hectic, but my claim to fame is making mountains out of molehills (gosh, Erika, why don't you throw a couple more cliches into the post....). First, my car. If you've been an avid reader of mine since Military Bride, you're familiar with the relationship I have with my car - what a joy it was for me during Matt's deployment, never causing me any sort of strange and costly problem (if you weren't an avid reader and just recently tuned in, that last statement is just oozing with sarcasm). There was the time my cylinder was misfiring (not to mention the leaking coolant, the wheel bearings, and the cracked belt). And then there was a few months later in December when the damn thing wouldn't even start (if you want to sift through the post to read about the car, it's in like the 7th paragraph).

Matt and I have decided that we're going to sell the Jetta at the end of the year, which means I have to put up with it for at least another 8 months, and of course, in the spirit of any masochistic car, something would have to go wrong in those 8 months (yes, I know it's "inanimate," but seriously, the damn thing gets a kick out of breaking down and pissing me off). I hate the thing so much, it kills me that it's just about the cutest car ever. Well. Don't judge a book by it's cover (there it is! I knew there's be another cliche before the end of this post). Now it's the air conditioning. Normally this isn't a HUGE deal - the truck I had before the Jetta had no air conditioning and I survived many a summer in it. But that was in Tahoe where the hottest summer day averaged around 80 degrees. Reno gets HOT. Granted, it's really not much competition for places like Phoenix and Las Vegas that hang out in the triple digits for most of the summer, but we do break 100 quite frequently, and if there's anyone in the world who hates heat more than me, you'd be hard pressed to find them.

The worst part of the whole ordeal is the gorgeous black leather seats I absolutely HAD to have; they were the selling point in me buying the car. I didn't think ahead to the summer - to the pain in the ass of always having to put up one of those windshield screens, to always have to cover the driver's seat with a blanket or towel or else suffer what I imagine is something very similar to hell. If you've never sat down on a black leather seat after it's been basking in a hot summer sun all day, I envy you, you lucky bastard. Oh yeah, and the car is black, too. So picture for me if you will, a black car with black leather seats parked in a sunny parking lot on hot July day in Reno (which usually ranges around 95 - 105 degrees). Now imagine that car has no air conditioning. The intelligent thing to do in this situation would be to get it fixed, but that would mean dipping way too deep into the wedding fund which's sacrilege. In December/January we're going to spurlge a little and buy an Audi (you'd think after the Volkswagen I'd never drive a German car again, but you'd be wrong); I told Matt I'd die a horrible death before I ever got black leather seats again. Tan would be okay though. When I was searching consumer reports on Audis, I found (not very surprisingly) that a 2000 VW Jetta was ranked one of the worst buys for used cars. Go figure.

And then there's the matter of my butt (which is completely unrelated to the matter of my car, incase you were wondering to yourself, WTF?). A lot of people eat when they're stressed out. Then there's the people like me who don't eat when there's a lot on their plate (pun intended). I get stressed, I can't eat. I lost a LOT of weight while Matt was deployed (and I say that with disdain). I'm 5' 7" and at my worst during the deployment I weighed 105 lbs. That's disgusting; I was practically emaciated. When I went to see Matt at Ft. Sill before he left for Afghanistan, he expressed genuine concern for my eating habits in his absence. I think his exact words were something like, "Jesus. Have you been eating at all??"

As you may recall, I was working out like a maniac right before Matt got home to kill excess energy. I was a good deal healthier - somewhere around the middle of the deployment when I started to get the hang of it, I was eating normally again (I can't say "healthy again" because I kind of doubt whether or not my definition of "normal" is synonymous with "healthy." I love cereal for dinner and have many other similar habits) - and was working my butt off. Or rather, working my butt up. Now I toe the line between 125 and 130 lbs (it fluctuates depending on the time of the month, if you know what I mean). Lots better. I don't look so sickly anymore.

Nonetheless gaining 20 pounds is gaining 20 pounds (and with all my working out, my butt is kind of bubbly now. Like I said, I worked my butt up. I rather like it...). When I decided last weekend that the weather has gotten nice enough that it's time to break out the shorts, I found, much to my dismay, that I do not own a single pair of shorts that fit. One pair that I literally used to be swimming in (I called them my "buttless shorts" 'cause, yup, you guessed it, they made me look like I didn't have a butt), I couldn't even get over my hump (my hump, my lovely lady lump...sorry, I couldn't resist). I was prancing around the room doing the Fit Dance (you know, the hip wiggle, the lay-on-the-the-floor-and-TUG, just please FIT, dammit!). I got them on, but it wasn't pretty. Thank God my favorite capris still fit (a little snug, but at the very least it's not a battle getting into them).

I just bought a fantastic pair of bermuda shorts at Target, but they're black, and certainly I can't wear them all summer, so after the weekend war of my Butt vs. my Shorts, I decided it was high time I buy some new shorts (we're also driving to Sacramento this weekend and the thought of making that hot ass drive 2 hour drive in a car with no air conditioning without shorts makes me cringe). I took a trip to Kohl's on my lunch break today (I'm just crazy about Kohl's) and find it terribly amusing that I called Matt "frivolous" a few posts ago because while I had gone in for a pair of shorts, I left with not only that, but also two new shirts and new pair of dress slacks for work (I've also learned that I love Daisy Fuentes). I felt so guilty leaving the store - especially after all the grief I'd given Matt for those God damn sausages - the first thing I did was leave a rather lenghty message on his voicemail trying to validate my spending. He'll love that message when he gets it...LOL. I guess we're both a little imprudent in our own ways. Admittance is the first step to recovery! Besides, now that I don't have to worry about particular colors bringing out the orangey undertones of my hair color, a few new outfits were in order :)~


Blogger Nikki said...

Oh butt can relate! I also have a black car and the seats are such a dark grey that they appear black. 9 or so months of Houston area summer heat = ouch! I'm pretty sure I've actually burned myself on the steering wheel too! Having said that...I say you should see what it takes to fix that A/C (maybe it's just a freon refill??) and look into trading in the Jetta before something else breaks!

5/05/2006 11:00 AM

Blogger Courtney said...

I also don't fit into any of my clothes anymore and I am dreading going shopping because 1.I have no money, and 2.I don't want to know what size I am. Oh and I am glad to know that Jettas suck because I really wanted one, I think that they are the cutest little cars ever but I guess it is going to be another Toyota for me. Those are really good cars, my last one lasted 13 years and never had any big problems, well until I rear ended someone and killed it. :( Oh well as you always say cest la vie. Stay cool. Or try to anyway.

5/05/2006 12:21 PM

Blogger Britt said...

SHOPPING! I, too, know all too well the pain of having to call and apologize after going shopping and spending obscene amounts of money on clothes after bitching at Wes about buying something stupid. (Most likely a PS2 game!) Gotta love the married life! :)

5/06/2006 9:28 PM

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